remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
