look no pants
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
