So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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