I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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