i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
