I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
