I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
