If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
