Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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