She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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