I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
