You smell like a Billy Joel song
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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