After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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