M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
