Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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