Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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