I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
