So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
