Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
