At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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