Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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