Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
