I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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