Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
