We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It's never too late to be topless.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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