let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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