He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
