Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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