I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
