I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
