i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
jump out the window naked night went bad
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
