Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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