If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm too high and old for this...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
