I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
