I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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