So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
