i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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