Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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