Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
