11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm gonna have a badass scar
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
