let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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