why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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