this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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