Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
