garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
