dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
