how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
