Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
