I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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