i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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