bring money and cleavage
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
