Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
