In America we eat man semen.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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