You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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