My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
