If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
