I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I woke up under a house in Key West
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