I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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