my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
